The Games of Power

September3, 2007

So as I sit in bed this morning, continuing the search and wait for some reaching out by Ken, I realized this was all a game. Relationships are just that. Games. Life is a game. Every aspect of the world is a game. You better know what you’re doing, if not, too bad. You lose and you’re screwed. You become an old woman who lives with her thousands of cats.

It never really occurred to me that a relationship had turned into a game. Maybe I’m one of those optimists who believes in chivalry and just a good wholesome relationship that lasts more than a month and actually changes who you are, does you good, makes you happy, keeps the faith that this jaded world still has some good left in it.

But let me tell you ONE thing. My faith is running slim these days. I can’t handle this anymore. I honestly want to give up; but it’s so hard to. I mean, I’m completely afraid now. Will every relationship and guy I date just turn into some game? Will every use of a word and gift just be to gain some edge in the power struggle that the relationship has become?

It’s been two days since Ken and I have spoken and I am not going to reach out to him because I am completely afraid of the response I’ll obtain. I’m not reaching out to him because I don’t want to seem like the already-attached-emotional-freak that I have already obviously become (ONCE AGAIN – SAME PERSON).

I really want to walk away from this unharmed. I was so good, so over it. It had been a year since I had spoken to him. I was completely 100% over him. He had become dust sitting in some boxes deep inside my memory in an area that was never really bothered to be looked at. But now, here I am sorting through pictures and desperately waiting for a call.

I lost this game already. He has the power. I’m done for. I give up.

GAME OVER.