The Introduction.

September 16, 2007

The truth is hard to find in many situations. In some, the truth doesn’t come out at all. But nevertheless, the truth is always the best thing that can be discovered and appreciated at any point in time.

It took me a while to realize that dating was my way of comforting myself and my way of keeping me from feeling lonely. Let’s face it – everyone hates feeling lonely and most people would do anything to make that feeling go away. Some choose to drink their problems away. Some wrap themselves up in work and forget life exists altogether. There are so many ways to avoid the truth that people essentially choose one and become blind bats that never find a way out and rut their lives to hell.

That’s what I was doing for the past two years. It is funny how someone can realize this, which I believe is a huge discovery, and learn from it in such a short amount of time. It’s like, BAM, something happens and it just sticks with you. It’s like downloading a new program to you computer. It instantly works and sticks in the memory.

My favorite episode of Sex and the City keeps flashing in my head, and it’s so true. Maybe I am dating myself, just like Carrie was dating New York. Tallahassee is my date and I keep it fun and interesting by going out and always keeping myself busy. Granted, I am aware that Tallahassee is not as exciting or remotely close to being the city that New York is, but either way, the relationship is there. I am slowly realizing how much fun being single can be and how lucky I am to be able to do all I can. I mean, truth be told, I attract TRASH (no offense to the one man I know that reads this – you are far from it). I attract liars, cheaters, manipulators, confused and immature men who do not know what they want. So why not date myself and treat myself the way I want to be treated until that perfect one comes along?

It’s all about having fun and being independent. This relationship is about treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Realizing your self worth and loving your whole being no matter what. It’s what the perfect relationship should be. It mends you. It completes you.

So let me introduce you to my significant other. He loves music, sunny days, the beach, working out (for himself and not to impress others, lol), sleeping in his huge bed that has room for two (but why waste it on someone who’s not going to stay there forever), and loves his life and what is going on in it now that all the venom is, for the most part, out of the system.

It may be weird to some people, but let me tell you, slowly but surely, I’m realizing how much happier I am on my own. I love dating myself. It’s actually quite refreshing.

Let Me Be Frank.

September 13, 2007

There is one question I would like to ask the general population of men who live in the states (states only because I have hope in the rest of the world). Why do you all take advantage of and run when someone turns out to be a sensitive and honest person? Are you all afraid of honesty? When did being honest turn into such a negative and taboo subject?

Let me start by saying that for one, I am not used to the “honest relationship”. To me, that is still a concept that I have tried to grasp and actually live and be a part off; however, I only attract liars and assholes. But that’s beside the point. I try to be honest. I really do. It is something I pride myself on. I will be unabashedly honest because that to me is what makes relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers, work. I will tell you how I feel about something if you ask me. I will be 100% honest. I will give you the truth.

BUT YOU MEN RUN.

For example: I dated this guy, let’s call him Frank, for about two months last fall and a month this spring. He ran. He ran far, far away. But he always ran back and I kept giving him chances. But as soon as I told him that I felt like we should be more than dating friends he got scared and made up some silly excuse and got mad at me for trying to make things work. It took a while – but the good ‘ol truth finally hit me on the head like a ton of bricks and I finally realized this guy is a pussy and is afraid of a real man who likes to be honest and (please don’t mind the pun) FRANK. He just ran in fear because he knew it would work.

Well, Frank was out of the picture for a while due to my cheating asshole ex-boyfriend and Ken… but now we’re friends again. We’re not dating, we’re just study partners. I know, right now you’re thinking “this kid’s a slut!” But I am not.

Well, Frank and I are having dinner tomorrow – I’m cooking. And I don’t know what will happen but let me give you a preview according to my assumptions.

He will eat and RUN.

Welcome to my truth-filled world. I know it may seem harsh, but at least I’m frank.

Now I'm Gold.

September 11, 2007

Lately, the days have been getting cooler and the feelings have been changing. Seasons are definitely about to change and you can tell by the fact that everyone is getting sick and everyone is saying something about how last night was such a “fall” night. It’s definitely a sign; a good one.

I was talking to my friend Adriana last Thursday about how things can happen in sets of good and bad and how about her bad is finally over and the good is coming in. Of course, she was all infatuated with this boy and was enjoying all her classes and had great grades because she hadn’t taken any exams yet. It was kind-of a given. She was in perfect alignment with the universe because her silver lining had become gold. School and love, her priorities, were intact and doing well… for the first time in a while.

I on the other had love school, but love does not love me and it’s a mutual feeling. Right now my silver lining is the fact that I haven’t been sick yet and am not failing verifications. It’s like searching through the whole barrel in order to find the scraps of good in it. Like a dog, a desperate one. But I’m not desperate… I’m just trying hard to find the good in life in order to move on and forget about all the drama.

I haven’t spoken to Ken in about a week. Let me tell you, it’s been quite liberating. It’s so funny how the second time we decided to stop talking I totally gave him what he wanted, rather, asked for. He told me to “let it be”. I am letting it be. He’s not the main thing I think about, but he’s not the last thing I think about either. I’m honestly just waiting for him to call me and mess up my life again. I’m doing great in school and I finally have things going well again with my friends. I have a positive aura and I’m pretty sure he has a pager that lets him know when things are going great. As soon as it goes off…OH! Time to call!

However, things are really changing around here. I feel like a much more confident person. I feel like I can handle being single; granted, I’ve been single most of my life. But as far as Ken goes, my opinion of him has changed a lot lately and I definitely feel like my season of reverence for him is about to blow over. As the story goes between Ken and me, well, I was his silver lining. I was there for him after his breakup and always was a sure shot at attention around the clock. But now I’m gold and honestly to me at least, that means I’m way too good for him.

Strong Perceptions

September 5, 2007

I want to be stronger. I think everyone wants that in some way. Men want to be buff and overweight in a shaped and chiseled way. Women want to be emotionally capable of not crying every time something life-like happens. I, I just want to be able to walk over Ken.

It’s been two days since I last spoke to him. I went to go get ice cream tonight and guess who is in the queue… KEN. He sends me a text after I leave asking me why I didn’t say hi to him… because I told you to leave me the fuck alone.

I wish I could just shut people out of my life. I wish I could be strong enough to say that once someone screws me over, they’re gone. I wouldn’t even flinch. I would be this strong, stoic individual who had nothing in his way. I was aimed and I was determined to make my life mine and keep the people I don’t want out of it. That is my definition of strong. I do not want to be the emotional wreck I am at this point of my life.

The thing is, would I become an unemotional person. Will I even remain a person if I traveled down that path? I want too much to be strong and not care about people if they hurt me or let me down. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be the weak one that gives in and calls every night when it gets a little tough and it’s cold. But I don’t want to lose touch of who I am.

I want to be stronger. I truly do… but maybe I have to realize that I can be strong. I can cut Ken out of my life. I just have to actually put my thoughts and words into action and suck all the venom he has injected into my veins out of my life. Stronger is what I would like to be. Emotions are what I would like to keep. Messiness is what I would like to rid myself off… Ken is out of the picture from now on.

That is strong.

Mr. Big Ain't So Big

September 5, 2007

I’ve always been told to follow my heart. I’m sure everyone else has heard the same phrase sometime throughout their lifetime. However, the question is, does your heart always know what is practical.

The thing is I’m finally done with Ken. I sent him an e-mail and of course he played his power games again and tried to blame me for the second running of the circle we hate to love so much. He tried to pin this heartache on me once again and I couldn’t deal with it. It was pathetic of me to even accept his apology in the first place and it would have been pathetic of me to let him blame it on me. So it’s over. But honestly, I forced myself to go beyond what I was feeling in order to send him the e-mail and tell him how I felt. I fought so hard against my heart and went with my head instead because I knew protecting myself would be the right thing.

Why doesn’t your heart know what is most practical? Don’t you think it should know? I think it should at least. Your brain and heart put together would be the powerhouse of the century when it came to resisting scum and getting over the thing that brought you down. It would be a tour de force of the soul.

If your heart and brain were a team there would definitely be less self-esteem issues to deal with and fewer problems that plague the soul. It would guarantee happiness; and honestly, maybe that is what we all need.

Today I felt so much better about everything. I knew I had made the right decision. I had let go of my “Mr. Big”. I was finally thinking about myself and taking care of myself. I was ready for a positive change. I had let myself fall into his trap one time too many and now I’m ready for him to miss out on the person that was worth a whole lot more than he will ever get the chance to know...BECAUSE HE’S WEAK.

The Games of Power

September3, 2007

So as I sit in bed this morning, continuing the search and wait for some reaching out by Ken, I realized this was all a game. Relationships are just that. Games. Life is a game. Every aspect of the world is a game. You better know what you’re doing, if not, too bad. You lose and you’re screwed. You become an old woman who lives with her thousands of cats.

It never really occurred to me that a relationship had turned into a game. Maybe I’m one of those optimists who believes in chivalry and just a good wholesome relationship that lasts more than a month and actually changes who you are, does you good, makes you happy, keeps the faith that this jaded world still has some good left in it.

But let me tell you ONE thing. My faith is running slim these days. I can’t handle this anymore. I honestly want to give up; but it’s so hard to. I mean, I’m completely afraid now. Will every relationship and guy I date just turn into some game? Will every use of a word and gift just be to gain some edge in the power struggle that the relationship has become?

It’s been two days since Ken and I have spoken and I am not going to reach out to him because I am completely afraid of the response I’ll obtain. I’m not reaching out to him because I don’t want to seem like the already-attached-emotional-freak that I have already obviously become (ONCE AGAIN – SAME PERSON).

I really want to walk away from this unharmed. I was so good, so over it. It had been a year since I had spoken to him. I was completely 100% over him. He had become dust sitting in some boxes deep inside my memory in an area that was never really bothered to be looked at. But now, here I am sorting through pictures and desperately waiting for a call.

I lost this game already. He has the power. I’m done for. I give up.

GAME OVER.

Mantra's Shouldn't Be Disposed Of

September 2, 2007

I grew up in what I would like to call a discarded family. I’m not saying one negative thing about my family, I’m just saying, we rarely found a reason to keep things around. Every other day you would see my mother going into a cabinet or a drawer and just throwing away mounds of things. Even my grandmother had something to say about it. My mom just threw things away. Nothing was ever completely important to file or keep unless it was tax forms or birth records. And I have to say, I have become the same way.

However, this trashy lifestyle did become a problem at times. When my dad needed to balance his checkbook transactions, all hell would break loose, for just a minute. Then he would call the bank, figure it out, the undying love between my parents was restored thereafter.

And that is the lesson we should take. Sometimes we are better off without certain things that just essentially take up space. Sometimes we do end up needing whatever we discarded, but in the end, all is well because we manage to move on and fix things.

That’s why after the emotionally bruising night I had yesterday, and the year it took for me to get over Mr. Ken, I am finally throwing him away. Why am I going to keep myself shattered in order to be there for him? Having him around only makes me weaker, more upset and a lot sadder.

We should all throw situations like the mentioned one away. They aren’t good for us. They aren’t important for other than learning a lesson which I have essentially already learned. However, sometimes you can’t help but keep things just because they look pretty. But their purpose is false pretense and their presence is hurtful.

So here is my new mantra: Just throw it away. Just let it go. You were happy with out it… why the fuck do you need it now?

High School

Written on August 28, 2007

High school was fun while it lasted. The thing is though, it’s over. We’re adults now and people should start acting their age.

I was visiting my friend Ashley today when she came up to me and gave me a hug and explained to me why she had been upset with me for the past few days. The thing is I didn’t really mind that she was upset with me. She had all the right to be upset with me. What upset me was the fact that someone who I hadn’t told told her about Ken and the sleepover episode. She didn’t tell me who told her, but she told me I would be blown away if I knew who told her.

I know who it was, jealous-cheating-current boyfriend of Mr. Ken, Mr. fake Hispanic-who-wishes-he-was-me-Z.

I am twenty. Pushing twenty one really and I sometimes definitely feel that I act older than most twenty two year olds out there. When a secret is confided to me, I keep it. I have my dignity instilled in me and it is completely intact; even though I have had plenty of mishaps. I have learned and grown from them.

The thing is… friends are people who should support you. I love my friends with all my heart, but I feel that I am constantly reminded of how stupid I am for what I do on a daily basis. I know I need to make better decisions and I know I need to start being wiser when it comes to dating guys. But let me fuck up. Ken is the biggest fuck-up I have ever made and it is not even that serious. I am in college now. Not in high school. In high school you can’t make mistakes because you get expelled and aren’t allowed back. You have to go to a different school and start over. But I am in college. I can change majors if I fail a required class in another. Surely, that will prolong my time in college, but I can start fresh with prior knowledge of what I did before. I can change and be better the next time around.

I am twenty. I have messed up twenty years in a row. I can afford messing up again. I am resilient.

The Rain is a Second Chance

Written on August 27, 2007

So today I got to thinking about second chances as it poured down on my car on the way to class this morning. It was my first day of Nursing School and instead of taking the rain as an omen; I took it as a sign of rebirth. The rain is said to wash away and replenish. Maybe this rain on my way to class was washing away my fears and my prior mishaps in class and in life. Maybe the rain was bringing me good fortune for the time that was ahead of me. I mean we all have to let go at some point and maybe the rain was a way for me to let go of the past that haunted me and a chance for me to start anew and do great this term in all of the aspects of my life.

I gave Ken a second chance and here I am. I mean, I’m not completely heartbroken, but I am rather bothered by the fact that I actually took the means to make myself give him a second chance. Rather, let myself give him a second chance. I thought that in doing so, accepting his apology that is; we would start a great friendship and actually maybe bond and have that grow into something in the future.

Of course that was wishful thinking. As soon as his ex-boyfriend of a year and some cheating got back together or reconciled for a second, I was out of the picture once again. His second chance was gone and I’m 100% sure that there will one day be a third chance that is sought after by Mr. Ken.

But the thing is… there is a drought in sight. I am tired of giving so much of myself. I have learned that sometimes it is not worth it. Even when it comes to close friends that you call family or people that you loved in the past. Maybe second chances should be reserved for those who truly fight for it and want it. He didn’t fight. He let go.

I fought this summer against all odds. I want a new fresh start and I was given that. The rain washed away the first chance at college. Now I’m starting the second half with a clean slate. I shouldn’t make the mistakes I made the first half. I should learn from them. I’ll let them wash away and clear them from my memory… but the second chance I have, I will keep.

The "I wish I" & "I want to" Haves

Written on: August 26, 2007

It’s crazy how jealousy can dig at your roots and make you wonder about the past and make you miss it so much. Jealousy makes you linger on the “you wish you hads”. I wish I had this great relationship with an amazing person who spoiled me and loved me as much as I loved them. I mean I understand that at this point in time I am single for a reason and I understand that the last two relationships I have been in were disastrous. But I miss the title so much. And when I see my old high-school friends and current friends in these thriving commitments, it makes me want one that much more. It becomes my first priority “I wish I had”.

But I can’t let these people doom my thoughts. I can’t let these thoughts push me to the extreme of calling my ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and talking to him about how boring life is. I can’t break the month it’s been since I last spoke to him streak.

So I focus on the more tangible “I want to have”. Yes, I do want to have a great relationship. I want truth, hand-holding, cooking, flowers, everything… the works! But right now it’s not going to happen. I just need to realize that and understand it. But also, right now, all I want is to work my ass off at becoming a wonderfully strong independent single man who is thriving in nursing school; which by the way, starts tomorrow.

Good luck to me.

And by the way… it doesn’t hurt to call and talk to your cheating asshole ex-boyfriend and tell him how great life has been without him.

Explainations and such.

So this blog was created out of the blue when I started writing about things in order to "help me deal" with certain situations going on in my life. The way in which they are written is sarchastic but is truly how I write and feel. They're meant to be funny and hopefully even empowering. They are all based on true story and names will be changed in order to protect the identity of those I write about. This is just a little project, not a mainstay.

Enjoy...